The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

Tag Archives: personality

What Are You? You Are Two.

You. Are an infinitely complex being. And not just the ways that make it difficult for you to find a partner. Watch this 2 part collaboration from Kurzgesagt & CGP Grey and try to figure out what makes you, you.

Comire’s 5 Personal Signs of Aging

“Age is not a number. It’s a state of mind.” Bollocks. It’s both. And it’s adages like, “It’s not how old you are, it’s how old you feel” that trick women into believing leggings can function as pants, and men into believing wanton paedophilia functions as a customary greeting. Aging is difficult for everyone. We know this because everyone reaches an age where they start to realise their own mortality’s struggle against time’s decaying march, and decide to try and stop the clock somehow by spreading falsehoods like telling Corey at the dinner party that you’re 24 rather than 32. It’s nonsense, sad and pathetic. Attempting to deny your life’s continued persistence to yourself is something Comire has never been tempted by. Oh no. When Comire wants to deny his aging, he finds it simpler to redefine aging. Invent new, more inventine details for what classes as young and old, and slot himself into whichever category he pleases. Some call it a poor attempt to impress Corey’s 24 year old girlfriend. Others agree while also pointing out he’s referring to himself in the 3rd person again.

While Beauty Director, Valerie Monroe, lets you in on the secrets about aging and Elle Magazine & Olay gives you their 7 judgey signs of judgey judgement, no amount of seemingly pornstar-named beauty scientists (a job it seems a shame only women qualify for) can tell you how you age better than yourself. So your school days are a while behind you and, to be fair, that invitation to Christopher Walken’s ‘Walken through the park’ birthday bash is still a while yet, but you still need convincing if you’ve left the “young person” category or not. Here are my 5 personal signs of aging.

Winter Is Coming

As a child, the sight of tiny, white, friendly crystals of curious potential seemed to sparkle under suburban street lamps offering a mix of wonderment, welcome homeland hostility and a peculiar brand of Alzheimer’s making the resulting finger-based frostbite a complete surprise afterwards. But the average person’s developing relationship with snowfall is akin to a new recruit and Islamic fundamentalism. Fun at first, but steadily rage-inducing once the novelty wears off and the hindrances on public transport wear on. Not to mention approximately 40% to blame when your death is reported as “natural causes”.

Adults hate snow, part due to the inconvenience, part due to the resistance of the urges that are less than keeping with regular society (like you want to ask a blind man how they picked their sunglasses). If you see snow and do not get the urge to grab a bunch and grant it an airborne trajectory from your hand to an inanimate/animate object of your choice, you are no longer young. Children are always in a primal, instinctual, fun-seeking state. Therefore scooping a ball of powdered KKK robes and launching it straight into Corey’s smug, chiselled, girlfriend-having face is an act only mentally permissible by children or someone raised by polar bears.
You want to read more? Click here before you die of old age.