The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

Category Archives: 5 Things

5 things the 3DS does that its games don’t

Nintendo know how to make a handheld games console. If you look up the top 5 multi-million selling handhelds, Nintendo are 4 of them. The Game Boy/Game Boy Color was a console that defined a generation. Not only did it created a legion of desensitised cockfighting enthusiasts aspiring Pokémon trainers, but it penned a neurological condition. 15 years later, the Nintendo DS (AKA the most successful dedicated portable gaming console of all time) rocked the world again. It’s easy to forget that 2004 was a completely different world than the one we’re in today. We were about to get a crazy person in the White House. We’d just gotten over the second Spiderman film. And we wasn’t sure what console the next Legend of Zelda game was coming to. How times have changed.

In 2011 the Nintendo 3DS was released, admittedly with one of the most sub-par launch lineups in history. The best game was a Super Street Fighter IV port that included a camera angle placed behind your fighter, hinged from the pelvis. It brought a whole new image to the phrase ‘punching above your own waist’. However after stand out titles like Fire Emblem: Awakening, Pokémon X & Y, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, The Legend of Zelda: Link Between Worlds, Mario & Luigi: Dream Team, Super Smash Bros 3DS and many more, it’d be hard to prove the Nintendo 3DS is anything other than a worthy entry, in Nintendo’s long line of phenomenal portables. Even better is the console has more tools in it than 3 series of Big Brother. Unfortunately if there was a trophy for “electronic box with the most ignored features of all time”, the 3DS would win outright, beating the Roku 2 and any smartphone owned by anyone over 65. So here’s a list of all those 3DS features forgotten by 3DS games. All the way from “I can’t believe every game doesn’t use that” to “I didn’t even know it could do that”. And when you finish this, head over to Start + Select to watch this article’s sister video “5 things the NX needs next”. Don’t worry if you forget, you may see a reminder or two.

3D

First, a quick explanation of how the 3D effect works. Each of your eyeballs sees a flat picture of what’s in front of you, but from a slightly different angle to the other, which your brain combines together to interpret depth. The 3DS similarly creates 2 slightly differently angled images, but interlaces them and displays them to you, recreating the depth you experience in real life. That explanation isn’t necessary to this article, but when’s the next chance I’m going to get to tell people I know that?
, Wanna know what else that amazing little Nintendo box can do? Click here!

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5 ways Beyoncé’s visual album wasn’t as great as you thought

All hail Queen B. She’s a Diva, a Dreamgirl and Destiny’s Child. The original independent woman. Ever since she hit the scene we’ve all felt an emotion akin to your first Krispy Kreme or first sexual encounter – Dangerously in Love. Her serenity knows no bounds, her grace knows no limits. Flowers grow in her presence and rulers become like peasants. She is such a goddess amongst mortals, it’s entirely possible somewhere out there exists a society where their term for a deity is called “a Yoncé”.  She is a singer, a mother and an unstoppable force of nature, with thighs that could end Chun-Li’s career and dance moves could end civil conflict. And anyone who says otherwise can suck a dick.

Ok. Now that I’ve hopefully dissolved the flood of hate incited upon reading the title alone, let’s get started. Beyoncé. That name has come to represent a lot over the last 20ish years. A leader of both the charts and aimless band members called Michelle. A beautiful soul with an even more beautiful voice, that has given the world classic performances never to be forgotten. A fine, strong willed, career focused woman and the epitome of the American Dream whom over all others, chose to marry a man whose lips have their own area code. And that name also represents an album that took an idea, and missed its mark.

I’m not here to badmouth the music of her self-titled album, BEYONCÉ. Musical tastes are entirely subjective, there are no right or wrong opinions. And the fact of the matter is the album sold almost 1 million copies in 3 days breaking iTunes records, enjoyed great reviews across the board, earned 3 Grammy awards, an MTV Video Vanguard Award, 3 more MTV VMAs, A soul train award, an AMA. I might be going out on a limb here, but people seem to like it. Furthermore, as a fan of her music, I personally hold a lot of respect for her and would not want to disrespect her craft or belittle her divine talent. No, I just want to bash everything else about this album.
Want to be in the know about the Knowles? Click Here.

5 Technological Curses of the 21st Century

Technology can be pretty terrible even at the best of times. In a nihilistic existence moving closer to an inevitable end of what could possibly be eternal blackness or failing that a potential afterlife of lasting, unrelenting, tortuous damnation, who needs to be asked if they would like to send an error report?

Life has become a lot more cluttered and distracted since the turn of the century. In the middle of writing that last paragraph I checked facebook for notifications, looked at my Amazon wish list in case anything had dropped in price and wondered the year the Sega Genesis was released but mysteriously wiki-chained all the way to Mark Ruffalo’s filmography. Then I skipped the next 3 songs playing on my phone before searching the lyrics for the song I stopped to rock out to for 3 and a half minutes. That was a lot of time wasted and a lot of life lost, only to find out Farmville is still a thing, that bag has gone up by £3 and The Hulk might have played Sonic The Hedgehog when he was 23. So before I get distracted again here’s a list of things that are spoiling modern day life, starting with…

HD will ruin you and you won’t go back

HD. Allowing the man who wishes to watch naked women with such clarity, he’ll no longer feel obliged to make love to his wife. High Definition viewing is as unnecessary as it is successfully convincing others you have a personality. Deep down we all know this. But regardless, anything less than 720p makes you feel more disgusted than finding a hair on your body that’s not yours. That’s just how we roll. What exactly were all those old family videos filmed on anyway, a microwave?

Our upgrade to HD was sudden and universal, like the number of women who stopped finding Robin Thicke attractive. Once upon a time society was collectively happy with their 50 Hz Toshiba TVs, back when “standard” resolution wasn’t anything to be ashamed of. Then, from the spawn cloud of technological evolution, widescreen TVs came along, waving around their increased fidelity and built in anti-aliasing. Standard TVs hadn’t a clue what a HDMI output was, as they sat there quivering in their scart cables. This gave way to HD-only channels. Now you needed a new TV or a TV that was ‘HD ready’ (which sounds more like a Flight of the Conchords parody than anything else), to be part of it. Suddenly television watching has become like a nightclub, and several TV networks have VIP sections. And up until 2008, you’ve been wearing trainers.

Standard quality was never bad on its own, but compared to High Definition it feels worse than licking an Osbourne soaked in ebola. Without any effort, Billy Big Bollocks HD has made Lil’ Timmy Standard look like the girl at the bar with 2 different shoes on, stealing napkins and sniffing other bar-goers. Yes, we can see picture more clearly now than Johnny Nash, but at what cost?
Click here to find what other conveniences have irrecoverably damaged us as a people

5 Technological Miracles of the 21st Century

Gather around children and let me tell tales of a time long ago. Tales of a magical era when you were never more than 30 minutes away from having a pizza delivered to you regardless of state of mind or location. You could command birds of an unexplained exasperated disposition to hurtle themselves into livestock-inhabited construction sites. A time when the most trusted encyclopaedia ever, was written by people no more intelligent than you or I. It was a time of miracles, it was the dawn of the 21st century.

There are a lot of ways in which the present day is the hardest time to be alive in history. On the other hand – Siri. 20 years ago, if you heard the word “Siri”, you’d think there was a South African apologizing somewhere. Sure an increasing population and the demands of urbanisation are outweighing the natural resources we have to sustain them, plus we’ve been in this global recession for around 3000 years now but we also live in a world where the Nintendo Wii exists. It can’t be all bad.

So even though people enjoy complaining about the age we live in, “people are getting stupider”, “there are too many distractions in society”, “there’s not enough bacon in my baconator”, etc. here’s a list of awesome things that the (1st) world enjoy relentlessly, starting with…

HD is beautiful and you won’t go back

HD. Allowing a man to view naked women with such clarity, he’ll no longer need to make love to his wife. The pleasure of watching anything in high definition is akin to having your significant other enact your favourite fantasy. It’s unbelievable at first, and even after you melt into it you never want it to end (not to mention you can’t believe you’re doing it in the middle of the day). If you a fan of comfortable viewing experiences the 21st century is a pretty sweet time to be around; between television, online videos, movies and video games, the fidelity of detail is astounding. And computers mouses come without wires now. How amazing is that?

The level of video quality it is currently possible to render is so great, the average computer monitor can’t even truly display it all (pull your finger out Phillips). Technology is at a level so photographically advanced, reality looks dim by comparison. God rest her soul but every time you turn on Fashion Police you could tell if Joan Rivers was wearing underwear or not. If that doesn’t scream ‘I live in the 21st century’, I don’t know what does.

And HD quality doesn’t just make the present exciting but the future as well. Even though perhaps unthinkable, video quality will only continue to improve. With terms like “High Frame Rate”, “16:9 Aspect Ratio” and “Directed by James Cameron” flying around, you could easily think technology has improved tenfold every time you check out Digital Spy. Jargon understood only by Christopher Nolan and 5 & a half other people roughly translates to “really freakin’ good video”, and that’s all we need to know. Words like Blu-Ray, 60fps, IMAX, 1080p and 4K are more likely members of the world’s first all cyborg boyband anyway.
Click to find out what else us first worldies shouldn’t scoff about

5 Things That Really Grind My Gears

In life, there are unspoken but fundamental laws which help govern positive coexistence between all peoples. At the very least there’s a basic level of understanding, common sense and good will shared between us to help us never have to experience discomfort and strain. And then there are just things that irk the hell out of me. Here are 5 of them.

‘Siobhan’

You may have experienced this name before. Whether you have or haven’t, regardless of your first language (provided it’s english), say that name, as it’s spelled, out loud, right now. …It sounds nothing like shi-vawn does it? It sounds more like a Swedish car manufacturer. And even though my irrational hate should extend to other intricate names of Irish descent like Niamh, Aoife & whatever Coaimhe is, the increased popularity of Siobhan keeps my eye well and truly focuses on it and it’s flagrant disrespect for the letter ‘b’. It’s just offensive.
Wanna find out what else gets on my tits? Click here.