The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

Category Archives: Read It!

5 Questions I Still Have About Nintendo Switch

Author: Joshua Comire, KeenGamer

Unless you’ve been frozen in carbonite for the last few weeks, chances are you’ve heard about the Nintendo Switch.

You may have seen it pass through your facebook trending news section or caught the first look video on youtube. Or, if you’re a regular visitor to this site, you may have seen us mention it once or twice.

For over a year, Nintendo kept us on the edge of our seats with unflappable silence in the face of a high school locker room’s worth of rumours. Then we were allowed a peek behind the curtain and I felt like that kid who got the Nintendo 64 for Christmas. Audible screams of sheer excitement may have occurred.

However as much as we were shown, there was lots of information yet to be shared. Hours after watching the video, and scouring the following press statements and interviews, I channeled my inner Hermes Conrad shouting, “That just raises further questions!” Here are some of the things that I need to know. Right. Now. There’s a special Nintendo Switch Presentation planned for January 13th* with Hands-On Experience events planned for January, that should feature significantly less White Denim.

PRICE

You know something everyone loves? A bargain. Few things make a person sweat with lust more than a buy one get one free sale. Who doesn’t love seeing a store with ‘50% off’ signs as far as the eye can see? And enter Nintendo, offering a 2-for-1 special: a portable gaming device and a home console, all-in-one. It’s got the hallmarks of a damn good deal. The only thing that could ruin this now is if there was an absurdly high price tag. But they wouldn’t do that…right?

A good launch price can really get the ball rolling on a new console in a great way. We understand these are multi-functional, technologically cutting-edge machines and/or borderline magic, but if priced just $50 too high, it could end up feeling like one of those bars that have a happy hour but the drinks are twice as expensive. Don’t be that multi-national corporation.

General speculation would have you believe that the combining of portable and home console tech is a recipe for doubling the price. General speculation would also have you believe other idyllic notions like the Switch dock doubling as a USB storage device and it definitely launching in March. However, a large element in the production behind Nintendo’s consoles has always been choosing the cheapest but most durable materials to keep costs down, and passing those savings onto the consumer through markedly lower pricing. Nintendo consoles often launch a clear $100 less than the competition. Even their most expensive console to date, the Nintendo Wii U, retailed in two forms: the $300 8Gb Basic Edition, and the $350 32Gb Premium Edition. Both notably less than the PlayStation 4 at $400, and Xbox One at $500. So if the Switch can launch at the $300 mark, and the games and accessories are priced around $50, this could be the start of a Nintendo renaissance.

But on a completely unrelated note, I hear you can get a decent iPad for $200.

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5 things the 3DS does that its games don’t

Nintendo know how to make a handheld games console. If you look up the top 5 multi-million selling handhelds, Nintendo are 4 of them. The Game Boy/Game Boy Color was a console that defined a generation. Not only did it created a legion of desensitised cockfighting enthusiasts aspiring Pokémon trainers, but it penned a neurological condition. 15 years later, the Nintendo DS (AKA the most successful dedicated portable gaming console of all time) rocked the world again. It’s easy to forget that 2004 was a completely different world than the one we’re in today. We were about to get a crazy person in the White House. We’d just gotten over the second Spiderman film. And we wasn’t sure what console the next Legend of Zelda game was coming to. How times have changed.

In 2011 the Nintendo 3DS was released, admittedly with one of the most sub-par launch lineups in history. The best game was a Super Street Fighter IV port that included a camera angle placed behind your fighter, hinged from the pelvis. It brought a whole new image to the phrase ‘punching above your own waist’. However after stand out titles like Fire Emblem: Awakening, Pokémon X & Y, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, The Legend of Zelda: Link Between Worlds, Mario & Luigi: Dream Team, Super Smash Bros 3DS and many more, it’d be hard to prove the Nintendo 3DS is anything other than a worthy entry, in Nintendo’s long line of phenomenal portables. Even better is the console has more tools in it than 3 series of Big Brother. Unfortunately if there was a trophy for “electronic box with the most ignored features of all time”, the 3DS would win outright, beating the Roku 2 and any smartphone owned by anyone over 65. So here’s a list of all those 3DS features forgotten by 3DS games. All the way from “I can’t believe every game doesn’t use that” to “I didn’t even know it could do that”. And when you finish this, head over to Start + Select to watch this article’s sister video “5 things the NX needs next”. Don’t worry if you forget, you may see a reminder or two.

3D

First, a quick explanation of how the 3D effect works. Each of your eyeballs sees a flat picture of what’s in front of you, but from a slightly different angle to the other, which your brain combines together to interpret depth. The 3DS similarly creates 2 slightly differently angled images, but interlaces them and displays them to you, recreating the depth you experience in real life. That explanation isn’t necessary to this article, but when’s the next chance I’m going to get to tell people I know that?
, Wanna know what else that amazing little Nintendo box can do? Click here!

12 Days of Deadpool


Since December 14th 2015, your favourite merc with the mouth has been getting in the festive spirit before the release of his film on February 12th. How you ask? Through promotional posters and social media marketing! It’s most unconcealed commercialisation of Christmas since festive facebook credits. Check them all out after the jump.

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11 Modern Technologies That Are Way Older Than You Think

By , from Cracked.com

For a long time, we’ve been able to pride ourselves on the fact that we’re smarter than our primitive ancestors. Sure, they made fire and the wheel and invented language, or whatever, but we brought technology.

Turns out a lot of our most technologically sophisticated inventions were already invented, which does nothing but remind us how useless we are.
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#11.           iPod

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Believed to have been invented in…

In 2001, if you are a die hard Mac fan. Or 1997, if you are aware cheaper MP3 players existed before Steve Jobs figured out people would pay twice as much to hear their pirated songs on the bus if the MP3 player looked like the bastard son of Eve from Wall-E and a pocket calculator.

Actually Invented in…

In 1979, Kane Kramer and his friend, James Campbell, came up with the idea of a portable music player the size of a cigarette box. The music player baptized as the IXI System stored music digitally in a chip and had a display screen and buttons to navigate it.

They even built five prototypes they showed potential investors. Wow! That sounds amazing! So they sold it, became gazillionaires and everybody listened to ABBA songs they downloaded with their Ataris, right? Well, no, obviously not.

The IXI had one big problem: It only had enough memory for three and a half minutes of music, which does screw you up if you had your heart set on carrying “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” anywhere you went. And how were you supposed to get your music files back in the decades before Napster?

Since almost nobody had computers in those days, Kramer suggested putting terminals in music stores, connected via telephone with a central music server so users could buy and download their music at the store. Keep in mind we’re talking about 1979 phone modems, which means Kramer’s idea also involved people bringing their own tent and enough food for camping for two months while they downloaded “Funky Town.”

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5 ways Beyoncé’s visual album wasn’t as great as you thought

All hail Queen B. She’s a Diva, a Dreamgirl and Destiny’s Child. The original independent woman. Ever since she hit the scene we’ve all felt an emotion akin to your first Krispy Kreme or first sexual encounter – Dangerously in Love. Her serenity knows no bounds, her grace knows no limits. Flowers grow in her presence and rulers become like peasants. She is such a goddess amongst mortals, it’s entirely possible somewhere out there exists a society where their term for a deity is called “a Yoncé”.  She is a singer, a mother and an unstoppable force of nature, with thighs that could end Chun-Li’s career and dance moves could end civil conflict. And anyone who says otherwise can suck a dick.

Ok. Now that I’ve hopefully dissolved the flood of hate incited upon reading the title alone, let’s get started. Beyoncé. That name has come to represent a lot over the last 20ish years. A leader of both the charts and aimless band members called Michelle. A beautiful soul with an even more beautiful voice, that has given the world classic performances never to be forgotten. A fine, strong willed, career focused woman and the epitome of the American Dream whom over all others, chose to marry a man whose lips have their own area code. And that name also represents an album that took an idea, and missed its mark.

I’m not here to badmouth the music of her self-titled album, BEYONCÉ. Musical tastes are entirely subjective, there are no right or wrong opinions. And the fact of the matter is the album sold almost 1 million copies in 3 days breaking iTunes records, enjoyed great reviews across the board, earned 3 Grammy awards, an MTV Video Vanguard Award, 3 more MTV VMAs, A soul train award, an AMA. I might be going out on a limb here, but people seem to like it. Furthermore, as a fan of her music, I personally hold a lot of respect for her and would not want to disrespect her craft or belittle her divine talent. No, I just want to bash everything else about this album.
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