The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

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Here’s to you reader.

January 1st 2012. A random 20-something you’ve never heard of, motivated by a personal annoyance with the design and navigation options offered by Tumblr, had the wondrously unique idea of creating a free WordPress account. Clearly unaware this act was, not only grossly cliche millennial behaviour, but also a public admission to a lack of New Year’s Eve plans whatsoever, he enthusiastically spurred forward and created a blog. You see, our well meaning protagonist figured himself fairly knowledgeable of the web. Resourceful almost. Perhaps, entertaining. He’d frequented many a I can has cheezburger, Taste of Awesome, LiveMeme and the like and felt he could almost be a curator of sorts. He could gather funny internet happenings in one place – heck, he’d been doing it on Facebook for years and they kept on moving the ‘links’ button. Why Mr Zuckerburg won’t let us find that short film from 2009 with all the logos is a mystery to everyone. So, relatively green in the world of blogging, the young man mustered all his energy, a few HTML codes and 4-5 former tumblr posts, and set forth to create constantly vibrant archive of humour and entertainment. And my, my, what an incredible 7 years it has been.

That was the birth of The Compulsive Squire. Over the years, I’ve used this as a place to assemble funny videos, fantastic art, and to post some original entertaining written pieces. I like to think several of you come back week after week to see the latest pick-me-up I’ve unearthed or search back to re-watch a video you can’t quite remember but remember you saw it here that one time. If the analytics are to be believed (and heaven knows I can’t read them so why not?) we’ve picked a fair number of fans along the way. Even more than the number of broken links (heck, I’ve counted three in this post already). I hope everyone still continues to enjoy The Compulsive Squire for as long as WordPress doesn’t mind me not paying them. But alas, as life goes on things must change.

I know, change is scary at first. But we’ll get through together, don’t worry.

Regular visitors may have noticed a slightly more haphazard posting pattern in recent months, not too dissimilar from a stubborn bottle of ketchup. A whole of nothing, and then everything comes at once. The explanation for this is simple. Life gets better, but also busier. Even more eagle-eyed readers may have noticed the original writing stopped altogether; the last article was in 2016. The reason for that; I’ve found and created other avenues to scratch my creative itch. The itch to put enough words on a page to make Webster’s Dictionary look like Steve Wonder’s diary. These things have resulted in this blog, something that I’ve (most likely) put months of my life into, being left out in the lurch.

Often times you may have visited back to see 6 weeks worth of content miraculously appear overnight, as if backdated specifically to mirror the semblance of a weekly schedule. Well, it’s time to announce The Compulsive Squire will be taking more of a free-form approach to updating itself with the quality videos, most inspired artists and wittiest articles the internet has to offer. This blog hasn’t keeled over yet, it’s just starting to enjoy its lounging years. Put that ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ form back in the draw.

Alls well that ends well.

I am however, actively moving forward with my gaming comedy show on YouTube. If you want to know Nintendo’s history of potential incest and copyright infringement to the tune of a dancing luigi, go and watch an episode of Start + Select. The Compulsive Squire will still be used as a central hub for the references, which can be seen under the appropriate tab above.

Furthermore, even though you’ve enjoyed my tweets on the right-hand side for many moons now, I’m also available on alternative social media – Instagram and Tumblr. I’ll be linking content back and forth between all my platforms (because I was told Tumblr deserves a fair shake and I’ve given them my details now so there’s no going back) so don’t feel bereft of your regular dose of internet funnies.

So there we have it. Thank you sincerely reader for staying through that introductory ‘referring to myself in the third person’ bit. It only remains for me to, once again, let you the following. Welcome to “The Compulsive Squire”, a blog by myself, Comire.

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25 Female Comedians Everyone Should Know

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25. Jenny Slate
Her tenure at SNL may have come to a premature end thanks to an on-air F-bomb, but Slate’s done quite well for herself since leaving the late night juggernaut. Most visibly, she’s had a star turn as Jean-Ralphio’s equally obnoxious twin sister on Parks and Recreation, but she’s put in appearances everywhere from much-missed cult hit Bored to Death to Bob’s Burgers and House of Lies. And of course, she’s the voice of Marcel the Shell with Shoes On, the most adorable series of shorts to ever grace the Internet.

Read more of this post…

White Privilege: Explained

Omar Ismail gave a great answer to an intrepid Quora user’s deeply resonating question. And may we never forget this vital piece of knowledge: you’d never find this useful kind of information on Yahoo Answers.

5 Questions I Still Have About Nintendo Switch

Author: Joshua Comire, KeenGamer

Unless you’ve been frozen in carbonite for the last few weeks, chances are you’ve heard about the Nintendo Switch.

You may have seen it pass through your facebook trending news section or caught the first look video on youtube. Or, if you’re a regular visitor to this site, you may have seen us mention it once or twice.

For over a year, Nintendo kept us on the edge of our seats with unflappable silence in the face of a high school locker room’s worth of rumours. Then we were allowed a peek behind the curtain and I felt like that kid who got the Nintendo 64 for Christmas. Audible screams of sheer excitement may have occurred.

However as much as we were shown, there was lots of information yet to be shared. Hours after watching the video, and scouring the following press statements and interviews, I channeled my inner Hermes Conrad shouting, “That just raises further questions!” Here are some of the things that I need to know. Right. Now. There’s a special Nintendo Switch Presentation planned for January 13th* with Hands-On Experience events planned for January, that should feature significantly less White Denim.

PRICE

You know something everyone loves? A bargain. Few things make a person sweat with lust more than a buy one get one free sale. Who doesn’t love seeing a store with ‘50% off’ signs as far as the eye can see? And enter Nintendo, offering a 2-for-1 special: a portable gaming device and a home console, all-in-one. It’s got the hallmarks of a damn good deal. The only thing that could ruin this now is if there was an absurdly high price tag. But they wouldn’t do that…right?

A good launch price can really get the ball rolling on a new console in a great way. We understand these are multi-functional, technologically cutting-edge machines and/or borderline magic, but if priced just $50 too high, it could end up feeling like one of those bars that have a happy hour but the drinks are twice as expensive. Don’t be that multi-national corporation.

General speculation would have you believe that the combining of portable and home console tech is a recipe for doubling the price. General speculation would also have you believe other idyllic notions like the Switch dock doubling as a USB storage device and it definitely launching in March. However, a large element in the production behind Nintendo’s consoles has always been choosing the cheapest but most durable materials to keep costs down, and passing those savings onto the consumer through markedly lower pricing. Nintendo consoles often launch a clear $100 less than the competition. Even their most expensive console to date, the Nintendo Wii U, retailed in two forms: the $300 8Gb Basic Edition, and the $350 32Gb Premium Edition. Both notably less than the PlayStation 4 at $400, and Xbox One at $500. So if the Switch can launch at the $300 mark, and the games and accessories are priced around $50, this could be the start of a Nintendo renaissance.

But on a completely unrelated note, I hear you can get a decent iPad for $200.

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5 things the 3DS does that its games don’t

Nintendo know how to make a handheld games console. If you look up the top 5 multi-million selling handhelds, Nintendo are 4 of them. The Game Boy/Game Boy Color was a console that defined a generation. Not only did it created a legion of desensitised cockfighting enthusiasts aspiring Pokémon trainers, but it penned a neurological condition. 15 years later, the Nintendo DS (AKA the most successful dedicated portable gaming console of all time) rocked the world again. It’s easy to forget that 2004 was a completely different world than the one we’re in today. We were about to get a crazy person in the White House. We’d just gotten over the second Spiderman film. And we wasn’t sure what console the next Legend of Zelda game was coming to. How times have changed.

In 2011 the Nintendo 3DS was released, admittedly with one of the most sub-par launch lineups in history. The best game was a Super Street Fighter IV port that included a camera angle placed behind your fighter, hinged from the pelvis. It brought a whole new image to the phrase ‘punching above your own waist’. However after stand out titles like Fire Emblem: Awakening, Pokémon X & Y, Animal Crossing: New Leaf, The Legend of Zelda: Link Between Worlds, Mario & Luigi: Dream Team, Super Smash Bros 3DS and many more, it’d be hard to prove the Nintendo 3DS is anything other than a worthy entry, in Nintendo’s long line of phenomenal portables. Even better is the console has more tools in it than 3 series of Big Brother. Unfortunately if there was a trophy for “electronic box with the most ignored features of all time”, the 3DS would win outright, beating the Roku 2 and any smartphone owned by anyone over 65. So here’s a list of all those 3DS features forgotten by 3DS games. All the way from “I can’t believe every game doesn’t use that” to “I didn’t even know it could do that”. And when you finish this, head over to Start + Select to watch this article’s sister video “5 things the NX needs next”. Don’t worry if you forget, you may see a reminder or two.

3D

First, a quick explanation of how the 3D effect works. Each of your eyeballs sees a flat picture of what’s in front of you, but from a slightly different angle to the other, which your brain combines together to interpret depth. The 3DS similarly creates 2 slightly differently angled images, but interlaces them and displays them to you, recreating the depth you experience in real life. That explanation isn’t necessary to this article, but when’s the next chance I’m going to get to tell people I know that?
, Wanna know what else that amazing little Nintendo box can do? Click here!