The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom


I said, “See! I swim faster too!”. She said “GLUB! GLUB! GLUB!”

So I’m sitting in my local playground, chillin’ out, maxin’ and relaxin’ all cool when I see one of the cutest acts of juvenile horseplay to have ever been enacted. My younger cousins had come to visit and the sun has decided it wants to roast whoever dares challenge its might. We’ve been stuck indoors the entire week and these kids were getting restless. They were bouncing off the walls, their own bodies, the neighbours pets, everything. They were so full of energy a can of Red Bull with an empty syringe of steroids hanging out its lid would have told them to slow down. Looking back, I’m not too sure whether forcing them into a battle between fun and heatstroke was a treat or a punishment but I took them to the park regardless. I sat down and immediately began appreciating the natural landscape surrounding me and the fact that there wasn’t a madman/drug pusher/public nudist (or a combination of all three) anywhere in sight. My cousins, on the other hand, stared on at a vast expanse of unruly grass and the small gathering of people ganging around a rope climbing frame, a couple swings, a slide and a few strategically placed boulders with anxiety. Clearly the environment I look on to with fond nostalgia, they saw as a bit of a s–thole. How I know this? One of them asked,

“Is this the park?”


“Are you sure?”

What a jackass. But this isn’t about them but about what I witnessed in my peripheral vision next. I catch these two little girls running along the path in my direction. One of them perhaps 6 years old, the other perhaps 3. I’m guessing they’re sisters judging by, if not anything else, the physical similarities in their huffy-puffy, exacerbated little faces. It was difficult to tell in the distance but as they approached it became clear that the older one was in the lead. Where they were running too, I had no idea; where they came from, I hadn’t the foggiest. All I know is I was mesmerized by these children racing along the gravel (although going by the lack of reaction from anyone else, they could have been ghosts for all I know). Suddenly, bursting from the older girl’s mouth like a cocksure Olympian racing a three-legged puppy, I heard,


An untoward pre-victory yell, in my opinion, especially since no discernible end had been established yet; but what’s a competition without a little mollusc-comparison smack talk? A little love loss between these maybe sisters, maybe future mutual organ donors won’t hurt anyone. Suddenly, CRASH, the older girl hits the public bin 3 feet to my left. She’s collided with it intentionally firstly to break her speed and secondly, apparently, to consolidate her victory. When exactly she crossed the chequered flag is anyone’s guess, however if these two girls designated a trash can as the goal, I believe that speaks volumes about the area I live, and these girls aspirations in equal amounts. Once she caught her breath, the 6 year old adopted the sort of condescending pose that you don’t need to teach a child (seriously, they pick it up from somewhere?), pointed in the 3 year old’s face and simply said,


This is where I began to mindfuck. At first, while I heard “Y”, I registered “W”, and immediately asked myself what the hell “Woulos” means? After repeating it back I eventually re-registered the correct spelling, but still had no idea what that little girl meant. After vowing not to be outsmarted by a 6 year old in passing, followed by several cursings to Beelzebub of a ‘sacrificial little girl’ nature, I realised she accusingly spelled out “You lose” to her now failure of a sister in a way only a child could. I laughed to myself, enjoying how that little girl mocked her sibling, how that sibling probably lacked the English capability to put that little quip together and (probably the most hilarious) how my cousins could’ve been mauled by bear in the last 2 minutes and I would’ve been distracted by the worst paedophilia/manslaughter legal defence in the world.


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