The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

5 Even More Things To Do In A Frape

Rape is never funny. But discovery of the incredible frequency at which the phrase “subtle frape” is googled, is. It turns out, the social network-savvy masses are always ever-persistent in finding a couple extra bullet points to the Facebook rape to do list. And like every good fun-loving yet fiendish friend, I’m here to offer a wink and an elbow in the right direction… and I’m using the word “right” in it’s loosest possible context. Who said being an enabler was a bad thing? You seemed to enjoy the last 5, so here’s 5 more additions to the frape party bus. They’ve left their inhibitions at the sliding doors and are ready for a round town tour of ultimate facebook annoyance. Things may get wild, everyone will ignore the guy protesting things have got too far and there will almost definitely be a massive mess to clean up afterward. So. Ready for some passive aggressive-fueled internet hilarity?

The Well Travelled

Imagine this. You’re backpacking across the sun-fermented hills of eastern Mexico, wandering through the Yucatán peninsula when you chance upon a cafe. You approach the man behind the counter, avoid asking about the goat revolving on a skewer and ask what is the closest town. He tells you about his hometown not too far away, a bonnie little village full of spiffing sights and rip-rousing locals with even better British accents than he has. You ask where he’s from and he replies that he’s from ‘Poop’.

Some people may have an upbringing to think that places called ‘Fucking, Austria’ and ‘Gaylord, Michigan’ aren’t sources of instant comedy value. We call those people Germans. For the rest of us, changing our friend’s hometown to “Vagina, Kurganskaya Oblast’, Russia” can only induce shrill bellows of laughter erupting into the faces of confused Russians. If vagina doesn’t float your boat, there’s a whole host of amusing locations to falsify your chum’s origin. It’s a beautiful way to achieve all the joy of mocking funny place names with none of the negative gap year kid image. And now everyone thinks your friend is from Cockburn Town. Even better.

The Multilingualist

There are times in life where the young shows resounding homage to the old. If it’s not Kanye West sampling Pink Floyd’s ‘Any Colour You Like‘, then it’s the hipster 17 year old complaining that no-one ever mentions anything from ‘a Saucerful of Secrets‘, back before Syd quit and they got all “commercial”. Similarly this frape acts as a cool heralding back to the days when you’d acquire your mate’s phone, change the language and insist complete ignorance to why their phone is now in dutch. Back in the golden years, so many would have their country settings unwittingly altered on such a regular basis, modern languages eventually got introduced to the school curriculum. After enough times you’d memorise the button combination to the language settings, leading to the first generation of safe robbers fluent in 4 European languages.

Sadly, learning facebook’s button combinations is a little harder than a Nokia 3310s, making the inconvenience of sudden onset Polish very raw indeed. Unless “Ustawienia konta” happens to be that drunken tattoo your friend got last year, you aren’t figuring it out very quickly. Why facebook allows certain settings to be changed like language is astounding. Unless one endures a traumatic impact to the head and wakes up believing they are Alessandro Gomez, the socially naive dot com billionaire from Puerto Rico, I doubt ones mother tongue would ever alter. Regardless, it’s there to allow us to annoy freunde, die nicht wissen, wie man es wieder umstellen. Ficken.

The Face In Hole

Ever wondered what your friend would look like if given the body of a Japanese sumo wrestler? How about Homer Simpson dressed as the isotopes goofball? What about the slender curves of that chimpanzee from that monkey/frog video? Well I have I got the site for you. FACEinHOLE. A lovely site that uses the girthy uniqueness of faces and the neanderthal-like vulnerability of holes to create euphoric levels of entertaining embarrassment. A substantial amount of time in front of an exposed facebook is required, but the process is simple. Exceptionally simple. Just as simple as the name, simple. I mean, “Face in hole“?. That must have come from the same marketing geniuses that invented Snakes On A Plane and Schuh. The creation process is effectively the web equivalent for Photoshop for Dummies to put to kindly. To put it cruelly, FACEinHOLE is to Photoshop what throwing a fistful of rocks into the kitchenware department is to Elton John’s piano. But when you’re rolling on the floor laughing because Hailey’s profile picture is her with the body of an overweight black woman, the photographic condescension all becomes worth it.

The Jackass

This frape comes brought to you by the Art of Trolling. And like any Art Attack creation, when analysed properly, this is seemingly easy to recreate with any material of your choosing. When face to face with the phrase “What’s on your mind?” on a friend’s vulnerable facebook, you want to be more imaginative than, “I want some funs in my buns and some ejectum in my rectum”. This enables for some inventive frapery and wider spread chaos. The steps are as follows:

Step 1: Post a simple status of extreme opinion or importance.
e.g. “just been in a car crash, why does this happen to me?”

Step 2: Comment on said status revealing your severely removed sense of humour.
e.g. “loljk, just watching Top Gear in my pants”

Step 3: Wait for your friend with more opinions than a nun in spearmint rhino to see your inconsderate u-turn and speak out.
e.g. “wtf, you’re a prick. And why are you in your underwear?”

Step 4: Delete your comment and enjoy everyone on facebook seeing that you’ve made someone look even more cruel than Simon Cowell’s writer. Furthermore, the actual frape victim has to deal with the fallout from a sudden STD confession on the internet, which is less easy than you might think.

EDIT: An adaptation also exists.

The Myself & Irene

Similar to a particularly rampant theme park ride, this frape shouldn’t be used on those of a faint or weak disposition, heart conditions or pregnant women…though the child may find it funny. A frape with an underlying theme is something to be admired but this is high risk mainly due to several elements affected become unchangeable for a duration of time (at the current time of writing that is, probably facebook trying to discourage frape or something silly like that), meaning the initial humour may be priceless but the following fortnight of complaining may turn homicidal.

What you want to do is pick a thing. I mean anything in the world. A celebrity they hate. The metaphysical concept of ambiguity. A pair of particularly fluffy slippers. Anything. Then with a target set, you have however long it takes for your friend to vacate the toilet to convert their entire facebook life to the entity of your choice. (In the words of rapper E-40) You either go hard or go home with this one. Imagine your friend’s bemused faces when they discover their friend “Ba Nana” has been tagged in several photos of tropical trees and monkey enclosures. Even better would be the ‘likes’ racked up when “Tea Pot” confirms their new relationship with a black kettle. Be sure to find an appropriate hometown (preferably one with a silly name, nudge nudge), occupation, like several groups, pages, change the date of birth to the date of invention if applicable (because this frape has educational range too); going nuclear is the only way to do this.

Hopefully you do this on a friend with a sense of humour enough to keep their new life as “Peter ‘Spiderman’ Parker” for a while. Though chances are your friend will curse you for having to explain to their mum why they’re related to “Dil Do”.


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