The Compulsive Squire

Where Outstanding Humour Meets Desperate Boredom

Music Level: Asian

A wise man once said, “no matter how good you are at something, they’ll always an Asian kid half your age, doing it twice as good as you”, which was really inconsiderate of my dad to say during that martial arts tournament. And thanks to the internet, we’re no more than two or three guitar strings away from being reminded how utterly pathetic we are in everything we endeavour to achieve, which I’m pretty sure was one of the main goals behind Youtube anyway. So here are a few flaunting their casual ability to generate music so beautiful, it’d make Helen Keller turn into Louie Spence.

Violinist plays Super Mario in real-time

Of course, this was recorded just after he’d played several football matches and just before he’d consumed a spaghetti bolognese of unnecessary size and flamboyance. And the suit wasn’t removed once.

Unobviously attractive girl commits musical polygamy

The inate innocence palpable from a young chinese woman could convince any man of anything. They could convince Elton John that he prefers vaginas. They could convince Lady Gaga he hasn’t got a decent taste in clothes (which is more a “Lady Gaga is a man” joke more than anything else). Hell, they could even convince thousands of male viewers that clicking a thumbnail of a pretty young woman with her legs visibly spread apart will reward them with the content that they lied about their age for in the first place.

Tetris Beatboxed

He’s everything I am. Undeniably cool. Has listened to the tetris track at least 100 times. And obviously in the possession of at least 6 tongues. Well, I tell a lie, I’m not that cool.

Sungha Jung’s ‘Billie Jean’ Cover

This kid was born in 1996. Y’know what’s older than him? Shaggy’s Boombastic. I’m having to come to terms with the notion that some South Korean sperm/egg collision younger than Shaggy’s desire to conquer women of a sexually vicarious nature is now selling his 2nd studio album? *readies gun to skull*.

Tuts My Barreh

*places gun on table* Because once you hear the phrase “rape me in my thighs”, life mysteriously becomes good again.


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