Rape is never funny. Facebook rape is. I was never sure when “rape” became a socially acceptable suffix to be frivolously amended unto other words, but I guess that’s one of the benefits of being a forward-thinking 21st century society; like the increasing acceptance of homosexuality and Rebecca Black. Rather than pertaining to the horrible inhumane crime, now ‘rape’ is a happy-go-lucky old rascal that sometimes enjoys a little light-hearted non-consensual fun that you could just watch an episode of 24 and forget all about it. Nevertheless, when it comes to messing around with a friends undefended facebook profile, I can’t imagine any other word than ‘frape’ capturing just exactly what is taking place. It’s a beautiful thing in its own devilish way. So. You’ve done the standard silly status message or two, and you’ve made them join a few groups entirely misrepresentative of their sexual interests…what do you do next? That, my friends, is where I come in.
The Happy Birthday Wall Destroyer
First off, I don’t think anyone has actually thanked facebook for being responsible for handling that now empty filing cabinet in my brain where friend’s birthdays were kept. Furthermore, thank you facebook for allowing I and many others to abuse the simple politeness of wishing good will to friends whenever that little reminder appears, by editing the date of birth to a more immediate destination. As a purveyor of the subtle frape, I tend to change the date to in 3-4 days time. In a couple days time, after the victim has presumably logged on to facebook several times, suddenly their wall is filled with friends, acquaintances and the sort wishing them a happy birthday. Everything that once was on their wall, gone! Pushed away by well-wishers and associates too unfamiliar enough to remember the actual day. However, for immediate effect, some change it to the current day. The only danger there being people would’ve check for birthdays beforehand, may question the validity of a new name appearing on the birthday list part way through the day. However, this move comes with repercussions, since after altering the day, Facebook doesn’t allow an immediate change back, and only allows a limited number of birthday changes altogether.
The Sex Change
There’s a small, childlike snigger I enjoy when I see facebook describe my male/female friend’s activities using her/him. It can’t be just me who finds it hilarious when they get a notification saying “Tim has also commented on her status”. The best part, they’ll never notice until told that everything they’ve done for an undisclosed amount of time has been under the assumption that they have newly discovered genitalia.
This one requires a little effort invested. It’s very much; you get out as much as you put in. Simply, poke as many people on your victim’s friend list as time and enthusiasm permits. Personally, I’ve taken to only poking friends beginning with the letter ‘A’ for alphabetical convenience. The reward comes when you’re looking over their shoulder at a later time and happen to catch the extensive list of poke backs they have. Try and resist chuckling to yourself as you realise you’re the reason for their bewildered poke based strife. Even so that notifications are received for poke backs, adding further bother to the victims facebook lives.
The Power Ranger
Just like WoW, chat rooms and Michael Jackson’s bedroom, on Facebook you can be anything you want to be. Many people have taken advantage of that and next time you’re on facebook why don’t you take advantage of them. With your victim’s facebook profile at hand, start typing the various coloured power ranger members into the search bar and befriend as many as you see fit. The people that make these accounts are usually carefree (or desperately lonely) and will accept friend requests from anyone. Imagine your friends surprise when they receive a notification telling them that they’re now friends with the yellow power ranger (why anyone would want to be the yellow ranger, I’ve no idea). And this idea doesn’t just stop with the Power Rangers. Options also include celebrities, your favourite cartoon characters and even wild Pokémon.
The Emotional Message
If Facebook rape were a RPG, this would be an optional side quest recommended for levels 75 or above. Hard to master but the results can be epic. Find a person on your victim’s friend list and send them a message detailing how they are the only friend they can trust with the information of their new realisation of their latent homosexuality. Strictly speaking, the message doesn’t have to be a coming out message, but we’re looking for believability and shock value. It’s best done to a friend that you’re acquainted with, whom you know will be very supportive of the victim’s new found confidence in their apparent homosexuality, but when they find out it’s a joke, will also be able to take it as one. It’s a risky trick and it only works with a particular type of person, but the embarrassment levels when done right make it worth it.